I’ve f*cking had it with cold callers….AND the rest of you!

I’ve been getting up to twenty missed calls a day from the same 0207 number.  They’ve been at it for weeks and they never leave a message.  I’ve no intention of answering; they’ve been reported as a nuisance caller on some online forums and – huzzah! – I’ve just figured out how to block numbers on the phone I’ve only had for about two years.  I’m not amongst the most tech-savvy of my generation.  Then again, it’s nice that I haven’t needed the block function until now.

So, last night’s dream.  I was with X, a lady I know through Bollywood dance.  She’s a little older than me, and very mild-tempered.  The same 0207 number came up on my phone and I fucking lost it.  My rag, I mean. Not my phone.  X looked remonstratively at me as I laid into the person on the other end.  Yeah I know they’re trying to make a living like everyone else.  I was sorry to be swearing and raging like this in front of her, when she’d always thought I was a nice and gentle person.  At the same time I felt resentful; nobody knew how much I’d had to put up with and who was X or anyone else to judge me for my fury?

wtf, subconscious?

This was old rage, man.  Rage, and also despair.  I felt so powerless to stop these intrusions into my privacy and the aggressiveness of the cold-callers.  What did I care if this particular trigger-happy sales-targeteer was kind of a scapegoat for so many others.

When I think about why it was X who cropped up in my dream – someone I don’t know all that well – I recall that I do know she had an unhappy marriage.  Considering this is a woman who almost never has a bad word for anyone, I’ve heard her describe her ex-husband in pretty strong terms.

Over the years, it’s not only belligerent sales-badgers who’ve bounded across my boundaries.  This dream was the anger equivalent of the fear I felt in ok, computer. Both dreams featured shame or guilt. I feel ashamed to be heard expressing my anger. I feel guilt at the thought that I might really be in the wrong.  So X has a conflicting role in this dream.  She probably knows a thing or three about anger, and yet I worried about offending her with mine. It’s still so hard not to feel ashamed.

 

Handbags at dawn (or whenever)

Trying to extricate myself from a dangerous cult, they trying to re-kidnap me. The house I was living / hiding in looks a bit like my uncle’s (dad’s brother-in-law’s). My mum was helping protect me; we fought off the intruders from the cult by throwing handbags at them. Mum hefted handbags down the hallway at them, while I, halfway upstairs, pitched more over the bannisters, and Tiggy (the family cat, circa 2001-2007) ran around helping in the ways that only cats can.